Taking Our Dog Out to Dinner

We enjoy going out to dinner. We do not enjoy leaving our golden retriever, Anna, at home while we go out to dinner. For one thing, we miss her. There’s also the fact that we worry, should we leave her home alone too often, she’ll one day write a tell-all about us, including such humiliating details as my passion for bunny slippers. Which would be a damnable lie. Besides, we bristle at the injustice of her being denied service. She’s well-behaved, cute, and never barks. I can claim none of those three virtues, and yet I am welcome in every restaurant.

Fortunately, there are restaurants that welcome dogs on their patios. Miss Anna gets a bowl of ice-water and waits patiently as Gerda and I share wine for half an hour before ordering. But the moment the waiter has taken our order, Anna comes to my right side and looks at me expectantly, because she knows she gets cookies only after we have ordered and that they are always kept in a plastic bag in my right, interior jacket pocket. At the end of dinner, if we’ve had French fries, she gets a few. Often she keeps such a low profile that most of the diners on the patio do not know she’s there. She never shrieks, never cries hysterically, never throws food, never runs wildly among the tables, never goes to the table of a stranger to ask, “Can I have some of your cake, why can’t I?” And yet misbehaving children are welcome where she isn’t. Ah, but come the revolution . . .

Photo Session

My publisher recently sent a highly regarded photographer to take a few new book-jacket and publicity photos of me. No one said it was because in order to make me appear appealing, a photographer of extraordinary talent was needed, with special lighting, and sixteen image consultants. But I knew. I knew. No one said, “Oh, how cute,” when I sat down before the camera, but when my dog Anna entered, fresh from the groomer, the words “cute” and “adorable” and “enchanting” and fluffy” were each used like 7,000 times in half an hour, all in regard to her.

As you know, we writers are known for being without ego, among the humblest people on Earth, demure, and unassuming. So I just smiled and was happy that my sweet puppy was so admired, though in my heart, I hoped that, one day, even if years from now, at least one person would call me fluffy.

A Crisis of Extraordinary Proportions

Maybe it’s a genetic abnormality, maybe it’s a dark knot in my psychology that can never be untied, but whatever the reason, I never much liked chocolate milk. Chocolate, yes. Milk, yes. But the two combined always seemed to me to be a culinary experiment less successful than trout ice cream. Then, a few years ago, Gerda——who doesn’t share my long list of food quirks ——brought home a half-gallon container of Hood’s Calorie Countdown chocolate milk. My life was forever changed.

Hood’s is headquartered 3,000 miles from me, in Massachusetts, where I have never been and where, therefore, I couldn’t even be certain that they had cows or knew about chocolate. Yet here was a sublime concoction, more chocolatey than the bland chocolate milks I had known before, like a liquid version of the chocolatiest of chocolate ice creams, yet only 90 calories a glass. The vicissitudes of life ceased to bother me. I no longer worried about planet-killing asteroids plunging toward Earth or that some demonic TV network would resurrect the old series My Mother the Car.

Then one day a great darkness fell upon me. Gerda came home to say that the supermarket where she bought Hood’s no longer carried it. And she couldn’t find it elsewhere, though she had looked in markets major and minor. I knew then, as never before, the full meaning of the word devastated as it is used by the lost and grieving figures in the great tragedies of the theater.

When Hood’s web site failed to reveal any stores in Orange County, California, where the magic elixir could be purchased, I thrashed in anguish for several hours, and then thought to write to the address on the last depressingly empty carton of their exemplary product. In my letter, I said that if there was a store selling their chocolate milk within a 30-mile radius of our house, I would crawl there over broken glass to buy it, though I hoped that I would be able instead to drive there at ballistic speed.

In the two weeks required to receive a reply, I had our last empty carton of Hood’s Calorie Countdown chocolate milk encased in Lucite and mounted upon a pedestal in my office, so that I might never forget the perfection that had once been and might never be again. When an envelope appeared in the mail, bearing the return address of Hood’s, I hesitated to open it, fearful that I might be told there was no way to obtain the precious liquid other than by purchasing a refrigerated 18-wheeler, driving to Massachusetts, and personally hauling a year’s supply across the continent and up the treacherous Rocky-Mountain highways. (I had investigated the cost of doing just that, and I had found it was not prohibitive, considering the alternative of a life without the world’s best chocolate milk.)

But the wonderful, kind, and all-around delightful woman working in Hood’s customer-relations office provided the name of a market within a reasonable distance of our home. My relief was akin to that I felt when the Soviet Union collapsed and, for a few years at least, the imminent threat of global nuclear war diminished.

I have my chocolate milk again. I am at peace. Though sometimes I wake in the middle of the night, rattled by the fear that if for a while I could not obtain Hood’s chocolate milk, then any of life’s essentials might be denied me tomorrow. What if, for example, a total collapse of the Cheddar market made it impossible to obtain those little Goldfish crackers?


I Have a New Computer!

If you saw CBS Sunday Morning a couple years ago, when Anthony Mason and his crew (all great people; they made it fun), came to Koontzland to do an interview, you will have seen my 20-year-old computer system that so puzzled Anthony, he said, “What is that?!?” I told him I’d just traded in my steam-driven computer. In truth, for a long time, I dreaded changing to a new system and learning a new software, because I thought the learning phase would slow me and inhibit creativity. To a writer, inhibited creativity is more to be feared than great white sharks and mad gunmen, or even mad gunmen who are great white sharks.

Well, I recently finished writing my first project on a new computer, a novella titled Last Light, and it went well. I wasn’t electrocuted. My fingers didn’t get stuck between the keys. Apparently, my creativity wasn’t inhibited, because my editor really, really liked the story. It’s the first of two that I am writing to be released as e-shorts, e-singles, e-somethings in advance of the release of my novel Ashley Bell, later to be release in paperback as part of a linked series of novellas. So, I have entered the second decade of the 21st century at last. And the first thing I noticed is that a promise the futurists made when I was just a kid has not been fulfilled ——there are no flying cars, and I really wanted one.

Dean Koontz announces new novel, ASHLEY BELL

Dean Koontz announced today that his next novel, ASHLEY BELL, will arrive January 2016!

Here’s a taste of what this new thriller will be about:

Who is Ashley Bell?

From #1 New York Times bestselling author Dean Koontz comes the must-read thriller of the year, perfect for readers of dark psychological suspense and modern classics of mystery and adventure. Brilliantly paced, with an exhilarating heroine and a twisting, ingenious storyline, Ashley Bell is a new milestone in literary suspense from the long-acclaimed master.

Dean on SAINT ODD, the finale in the Odd Thomas series

Well, here we are at the last Odd Thomas novel. I think the old Beatles lyric goes “…the long and winding road leads me straight to your door.” That is true of Odd’s 8-book journey, which in SAINT ODD will take him to the door of Stormy Llewellyn’s apartment in Pico Mundo, where for a while he lived after her death. With this book, I feel as if I’m saying good-bye to the brother I never had. Thank all of you for staying with Odd (and me) on this long and winding road. You have written me tens of thousands of snail-mail letters about him, and it so often heartened me to read that you had the same deep yet hard to describe connection with him that I had. When I delivered the first manuscript, there were some in my professional life who said that the lead character in such a series had to be a seven-foot-tall mesomorph packing the biggest guns available, always sure of himself, dealing death without a second thought. It was said that after Stormy’s death, he would have to get a new squeeze right away. As it turns out, dear readers, you have proved that a character with honor can be as interesting as one with mountains of muscle, that a character who is anguished by the need to kill can be as appealing as one who pulls the trigger with no second thought, that sometimes hot sex isn’t as compelling  as a commitment to vows and enduring love, that it’s all right for a hero to be quirky. If quirky wasn’t acceptable, you would never have heard of Odd Thomas–or of me.

May all of you become fully smooth and blue. (Yes, the meaning of those words, first heard in DEEPLY ODD, will be explained by the end of Odd’s journey.)

– Dean

NEW blog post from Dean on writing and narrating introductions for the new John D. MacDonald audiobook collection!


A couple of weeks ago, I went to a recording studio to read short introductions that I had done for the Audible audiobook versions of eight John D. MacDonald novels. The late John D was arguably the greatest author of popular fiction in the 20th century; and his work is better than most of what passes for “literary” fiction. If I had to name two novelist heroes, Dickens and John D would make that short list. Therefore, being asked to write those introductions and read them in front of a microphone was not a chore; it was an honor.

I’ve often heard it said that everyone, upon hearing a recording of his voice, thinks he sounds absurd. I don’t believe this can be true. When James Earl Jones listens to himself as Darth Vader or in any of the many TV commercials that he has done, I’m sure he doesn’t obsess over the idea that he sounds like Donald Duck. I, on the other hand, do indeed sound like Donald Duck doing an imitation of Miss Piggy. The recording experience would have been an embarrassment if I didn’t trust the people at the studio to electronically enhance my voice to make me sound as eloquent and seductive as Cary Grant.

I’m pretty sure they can do that. In fact, after meeting their dog, I think they could do just about anything to which they put their minds. He’s a gangly, 60-pound mixed breed with an adorable face, rescued through the auspices of Best Friends, in Utah. His name is Rhubarb, Rhu for short, and though he is afflicted with a condition that makes it impossible for him to support himself on his own legs, he’s as happy as any dog that can run full tilt. His owners–parents, guardians, take your pick–have devised a wheeled cart in which Rhu is slung, legs dangling, paws protected by rubber booties. When they take him for a walk, he paddles his legs as if convinced that he is propelling himself, and his joy is palpable. Check him out at

One of the great things about John D. MacDonald’s suspenseful and often dark fiction is that it properly celebrates the virtues that make civilization possible and eschews the nihilism that lies at the heart of so many contemporary novels. Furthermore, in every MacDonald story, there are moments of quiet grace that reveal the human heart redeemed and the world as it was meant to be. In his body of work, there are no recording-studio owners with a dog like Rhu; but if he had ever met them, he would eventually have written characters based on them, for his books are rich with the details of real life, alive with the diversity of human experience, in the service of a philosophical point of view that celebrates truth and comes down solidly on the side of goodness, kindness.

Check out DEAD LOW TIDE, CAPE FEAR, A FLASH OF GREEN, A KEY TO THE SUITE, SLAM THE BIG DOOR, and other John D. MacDonald novels available from Audible as audiobooks. I have no doubt that you’ll be glad you did.

– Dean

Click here to learn more about the collection!

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