May 11, 2010

10 Reasons to Read RELENTLESS

10 Reasons Why Reading It Will Be Your Happiest Summer Experience

1. The government has not yet bailed out the author and therefore has not yet appointed a committee to tell him how to write.

2. Anna Koontz, dog, has recruited canines nationwide to report whether or not their human companions have purchased this book. Those who do not purchase it will be targets of a well-organized Poop in the Parlor Day.

3. A steady diet of “Dancing with the Stars” and “American Idol” has left you with the intellectual capacity of an armchair. You haven’t noticed your mental decline, but that is why people keep sitting on you to watch TV. Read a book quickly, before you’re mistaken for a footstool.

4. Other summertime activities are dangerous. Four out of five people who go on a picnic are attacked by bears gone bad, thrill-killing bears that have no mercy. The fifth is stung to death by bees. If you go to the beach, the chances are one in three that you will be swept to your death by a tsunami. Of the two out of three who survive the tsunami, one will be killed by the new variety of four-legged shark created by toxic-waste dumping in the sea. The third beachgoer will probably live. For a while. Until the bears move their operation from the parks and meadows to the shore. Stay home, read RELENTLESS, survive.

5. Lightning most commonly strikes golfers and those on a sports field of one kind or another. One–and only one–person has ever beenstruck by lightning while reading a Koontz novel. But it was not the fault of the book, for the victim was sitting on top of an iron lamppost, in hobnail boots and copper pants, wearing a stainless-steel colander for a hat.

6. You could go to the movies, but theaters are not as safe as they once were. Crazed bears have recently been seen casing megaplexes, drawn by the twin delights of thrill killing and popcorn.

7. If you’re a rocker, you might believe, as the song asserts, that “Summer’s here, and the time is right for dancin’ in the streets.’ Yeah? Well, see how right it seems when you’re crushed and dying under the wheels of a Peterbilt.

8. Remember last summer, you didn’t read the latest Koontz book, and now your only memories of that precious golden season are the near escape from a bear attack, melanoma surgery, and the sexually transmitted disease that left you blind in one eye and hideously deformed.

9. You could read a novel by someone else this summer. But you will live to regret it. Unless, of course, you’re so tough that you can come out the discharge end of a woodchipper without damage. Then, by all means, read anything you want. You don’t have to worry about becoming mulch. Not you. You’re indestructible.

10. The advance review of RELENTLESS from Library Journal says, “This is an exquisite rafting of the thrilling, the unexplainable, and the personal, with the mirth and whimsy that Koontz throws in seemingly effortlessly just when it’s most needed and least expected. Koontz fans will snap it up. Highly recommended.” And says, “Koontz again crafts an excellent tale. Although his plotlines are always enjoyable, his character development is amazing…a thread of humor…a delightful journey. Readers…will race to the end.” So, if you’d rather be eaten by a bear, that’s your business, but RELENTLESS will be more fun.

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