Essays

20 REASONS WHY I WROTE ODD HOURS

By Dean Koontz

1. I had finished building a life-size replica of the Michelin Tire Man out of miniature marshmallows, and I was bored.
2. I flunked out of frogman training and had to give up the dream of a career change.
3. We had several reams of typing paper that were past their expiration date and likely to spoil if I didn’t use them.
4. A major Mafia figure threatened to emulsify my liver if I didn’t soon write another book about “that sweet fry-cook kid.”
5. I can only spend so much time ice dancing.
6. We ran out of those little paper umbrellas that I like to put in my drinks while I sit by the pool.
7. I got a stern email from God that said, “Either use your talent or open a leper’s hospital in Zimbabwe.”
8. I finally had to admit that, with nothing but a poorly equipped laboratory and a hair sample, I had wasted thousands of hours trying to clone a mastodon.
9. If I wasn’t too busy, O.J. Simpson wanted to collaborate on a book about the power of prayer.
10. As a hint about the consequences of a missed deadline, my publisher had Jack Kevorkian send me a certificate for a free assisted suicide.
11. For six months I was held hostage in my office by a crazed Odd Thomas fan with his finger on the “play” button of an i-Pod loaded with recordings of Larry King singing in the shower.
12. I just couldn’t get interested in jihad.
13. After having written 4 million words on the subject, I had nothing more to write for my blog about Katie Couric’s teeth.
14. I desperately wanted to distract myself after a friend in the CIA shared top-secret information regarding Rosie O’Donnell’s acquisition of three nuclear weapons.
15. I suddenly realized I had to put aside the manuscript of the fifth Odd Thomas adventure until I had written the fourth.
16. I was no longer welcome to party the nights away with my hip Hollywood pals when they discovered that what I was sniffing was only powdered sugar.
17. There’s not much left you can do except write alone in a shadowy room once that flesh-eating virus is done with your nose.
18. John Grisham wanted 48 million dollars to ghost write it.
19. After a dozen Krispy Kremes every breakfast for a month, I needed to burn some calories at the keyboard.
20. When you’ve seen every episode of “Dr. Phil” four times, you have to move on to something else or go insane.