Essays

Well, here we already are at October. If I didn’t know better, I’d think it comes around every year. I’ve been refining my outfit—more orange hair, a big blue nose instead of a red one, black-and-red-checkered pants, giant yellow shoes—and everyone seems to like the novelty of a happy clown rather than an evil one. I’m having a lot of fun, but I’m going to have to start thinking about what to wear on Halloween.

When kids ring the bell and say, “Trick or treat,” I assure them I have all the treats I need, and I demand they pull a rabbit out of a hat or turn a silk scarf into a dove. The little frauds never have a trick to perform.

If the pint-sized extortionists insist on receiving a treat, I am thoughtful enough to make it commensurate to their costumes, a practice you might consider adopting. If a little girl arrives dressed as a black cat, give her a dead mouse. Oh, she might burst into tears, but you can be proud that you have taught her a valuable life lesson. If a little boy is fanged and caped as a vampire, brandish a wooden stake and place a bulb of garlic in his hand. This practice requires you to have a wide array of “treats” at the ready. For a pirate, a small bottle of rum. For a princess, an essay on the fate of the queen during the French Revolution. And in the event that you encounter an angry parent, keep within reach a can of bear spray.

If you’d like a spooky audio for Halloween month, I shamelessly recommend one of the eight titles of mine that Brilliance Publishing has released with wonderful new cover art and in some cases new recordings, including The Servants of Twilight, Shadowfires, and The Voice of the Night. These are also available on Kindle.

Now I must polish my big yellow shoes and then see how many like-minded friends I can cram into a Mini Cooper.