Essays

Dear Faithful Readers,

My latest novel, Elsewhere, is available today in hardcover, eBook, and audio.

We’re also developing a service that will send a troupe of mimes to your house to act out the story in a most dramatic fashion, though this might not be available until my next novel. We have a few wrinkles to iron out: 1) we need to bring the price down from $77,000 to $89.95; 2) we need to have the mimes vetted to be sure none of them has a criminal record, because although we have asked them about this multiple times, we can’t get a straight answer from them, or any answer at all, other than gestures we can’t interpret; 3) we need to get the length of the performance down from three weeks to one day; 4) we need to obtain health insurance for them, as mimes tend to be assaulted and fiercely beaten more often than you would think; 5) and we have to determine the size of the cast to know how many Porta Potties must be sent to your address.

Elsewhere is the story of Jeffy Coltrane and his daughter, 11-year-old Amity, into whose hands falls an amazing device called the Key to Everything. In short order, they find themselves pursued by nefarious agents of a mysterious organization, murderous psychopaths, a pet too hideous and dangerous to be of any interest to any program whatsoever on the Animal Planet network, and horrors of which I will not speak here. But you know me, my friends: I always thread hope through the dread and chaos.

Writing this novel, I was often on the edge of my seat because I cared for Jeffy and Amity yet couldn’t stop putting them through the most hellish series of events at a pace approximately that of an Olympic bobsled run. I sometimes wonder about my mental health, though never for longer than half a minute.

With Devoted and now with Elsewhere, I feel reborn as a writer, as enthusiastic as I was in the days of Watchers and Lightning and The Bad Place. I feel twenty-five again, a feeling that I maintain by never looking in a mirror and by closing my eyes for the entire time that I’m in the shower. I’m inspired by the response I’m getting from you, faithful readers, and I hope never to let you down.

Warmest regards from everyone here in Koontzland, especially from me,

Dean Koontz