Essays

There used to be a very popular two-hour daytime TV show called “Art Linkletter’s House Party.” It ran for twenty years, and the host had other shows as well, including “People Are Funny,” which ran for eight years. Linkletter was one of the most likeable personalities in the history of the medium. The “House Party” show featured a segment called “Kids Say the Darndest Things,” in which Art would engage in impromptu conversations with young children who would often have funny replies to his questions. One example: He asked a six-year-old girl what she wanted to be when she grew up, and she said “A doctor.” When Art asked why a doctor, the girl said with great sincerity, “Because I like to stick needles in people.”

Well, it’s not only kids who say the darndest things. As a writer who has wandered through this enchanting world with one ear out for things people say that might make good dialogue in a novel, I’ve heard some I’ve yet to use. Like these:

Dean, I’ve got a friend in prison. He’s very smart and well read, but he’s bored. Could you send him your manuscripts to edit? He won’t charge you anything.

Have you ever shot anyone so you’d know how it feels when you write about shooting someone?

Him: I’ve always wanted to write a novel, but I’ve had better things to do. You know how it is.

Me: Evidently I don’t know how it is.

Dean I’ve got an idea that’ll be a huge bestseller. It’ll start a whole new, enormous genre. You write it, and we’ll split the money. Here’s the idea: you write a book just like Tom Clancy writes, but leave out all the military stuff.

(From a stranger) Dean, I’ve got a 300,000-word novel I’m going to send you to get published by your publisher, but just know I’ll sue you for everything if one word is changed.

Dean, be honest with me. You can’t possibly write all those books. You pay some gullible fool to write half of them, don’t you?

Dean, you remind me of a famous actor, but I can’t think who. Do you know who you remind me of?

Dean, in your last book, you used the word “however” eleven times, which even you must know is excessive. Does no one read your books for such problems before they’re published?

Her: You’re taller than I thought you’d be.

Me: How tall did you expect me to be?

Her: I dunno. I never really thought about it.

In a letter from a minister in Texas—

Him: Thank you for surprising us at our Sunday service and participating in our open confession. Your revelations about how you triumphed over all your terrible addictions and atoned for your many crimes was greatly inspiring to our congregation.

Me: (in a responding letter) I regret to tell you it was an impersonator who entertained your congregation with what sounds like a most colorful series of lies. I’ve never been in Texas. I was here in California on the date you cite. My worst addiction is diet cola, and my biggest crime is breaking the speed limit.

Him: (in a reply) Are you sure? It was a most convincing self-impeachment.

Film Studio Exec: We’re going to delete the character of the young crippled girl and make her a super cute teenager.

Me: I think that’s a big mistake.

Studio Exec: Audiences will find a crippled girl disgusting.

Me: I disagree. They’ll love her. Besides, that character is essential to the story. Deleting her would destroy the picture.

Studio Exec: You’ve got to learn that sometimes we have to destroy a picture to save it.

Producer: Can you book an hour to talk with [the actor]?

Me (the screenwriter): Sure. What’s he want to talk about?

Producer: There are a couple scenes he has questions about.

Me: So I can be prepared for him, what scenes?

Producer: Two scenes with [the actress].

Me: What’s his problem with them?

Producer: He doesn’t know how to act.

Interviewer: If you had it to do all over again, would you want to be you?

Me: Yes. I’ve had a wonderful life.

Interviewer: You don’t really think so, do you?

They say you’re published in 38 languages, but that can’t be true. Nobody speaks that many languages.

Her: You’re always writing dogs but never cats. Why not cats?

Me: I don’t know much about cats. I’m so allergic, if I’m in a room with one I’ll go into anaphylactic shock and die.

Her: Really? How often has that happened?

As Porky Pig used to say, “Th-th-that’s all folks!”