Essays
Holidays wishes from Elsa Koontz, dog.
I, Elsa Koontz, who is dog, have been paid six cookies to express my thoughts related to the upcoming holiday.
Some doubters say Donner and Blitzen and the other pullers of Santa’s sleigh can’t fly. Yeah? Then explain why the government spent 23 billion dollars developing flight rules for reindeer.
We all know Superman can fly. Why then couldn’t Santa’s transport team fly? The doubters shout, “They don’t have wings!” I answer, “Neither does Superman. So shut up already.”
Sometimes, in the best Christmas spirit, I conclude instead by saying, “So shut up already, you ignorant dunderhead.”
Note: My ability to talk and be understood is because of a new translation device sold by Bark X. Thank you, Elon.
Heard on podcast by Burt Gnarly, famous elf: “Frosty the Snowman is not a ‘jolly soul’ like the song says. He’s a foul-tempered grump intoxicated with celebrity.”
My favorite holiday game: playing Frisbee in the snow. If you don’t have a Frisbee, throw a cat.
We got one of those new self-driving cars for Christmas. Now I can chase other cars faster and farther than I once did on foot. Thank you, Elon.
This week, it’s all holiday music for me. Last week, my playlist left me emotionally drained. It’s wonderful but sometimes exhausting to be a devoted Swiftie.
Tis the season for snowball fights. One rule: no yellow snow.
Because of a new longevity drug from Bark X, I booked a Space X flight for a vacation on Mars in 2040. Thank you, Elon. I will pack Dad’s latest novel that year to read on the red sand beach.
Meanwhile, this year, the perfect gift is The Forest of Lost Souls by Dean Koontz, a thrilling novel full of surprises. He is my human dad, and this recommendation is shameless of me but also true.
The perfect other gift is The Bad Weather Friend by Dean Koontz, also a thrilling novel but very funny. I must help Dad earn dollars for treats from Cookies X, which are suitable for all species, delicious and nutritious, guaranteed to add twenty points to your IQ.
Warmest regards from everyone here at Koontzland, where my new android dad, provided by Loved Ones X, is available to cuddle, throw the ball, and bag my poop whenever my human dad is busy writing. Thank you, Elon.
Respectfully,
Elsa Koontz, dog.
