Essays

The new year has come upon us like a throng of rabid cats. So much is scary as 2022 arrives that we can either stand on a street corner and scream in impotent fear and anger, which can be deeply satisfying, or we can choose to adapt to the many crises afflicting us. I have taken the second path, beginning with steps to deal with the supply chain crisis. I have purchased over 3,000 feet of chain, a third of which will be enough to meet our little family’s needs for a decade. I intend to sell the other two thirds in 5-foot lengths at exorbitant prices when no chain is to be found anywhere and you are all desperate for it.

China and Russia now have hypersonic missiles that can deliver an atom bomb with less than a one-minute warning. I have adapted to this development by purchasing a score of school-room desks of the kind that, in the 1950s, kids were instructed to shelter under in the event of a nuclear attack, and I have placed them strategically throughout the house.

To take your mind off the terrifying image of a world without adequate chain, you should read my new novel, Quicksilver, which will be released in hardcover, eBook, and audio on January 25th. It moves very fast, but it doesn’t come to any sudden stops that might damage your cervical vertebrae. No kittens are killed or injured in the course of the story.

Finally, I have been asked for some shred of wisdom that will ensure a happy year ahead. Anyone coming to me for wisdom is seriously confused, but here goes. We should all stop using words like hyperinflation, hypersonic, hyperactive, and hypersupercalifragicexpialidocious. They are hyperbolic and only make us nervous. “A very fast missile” sounds less threatening than “hypersonic.” Instead of “hyperinflation,” say “devaluing the currency,” and you get the cozy feeling that gnomes are secretly working to make everything cheaper.

Warmest regards from everyone here at Koontzland.