Essays

Daylight Saving Time ended this month, and everyone was excited about gaining an hour. Some used it to take a 60-minute vacation, driving 30 minutes toward Las Vegas and then home again. Others found a $40,000-an-hour job for one day and earned enough to buy a new car. I decided to spread my hour over two months to get a valuable extra minute of sleep each day. Already, I feel better rested.

I was troubled by a rumor that the Federal Time Bank is running out of minutes and will close its doors at the end of December, leaving all of us stuck in an eternal present. To prepare for this catastrophe, I have been buying enormous amounts of time from a company in Zimbabwe that has forty-six million 5-star reviews. I believe nothing is more important than having a future.

If you haven’t yet read my novel, The Other Emily, I can’t help but wonder what’s wrong with you. Well, whatever it is, you can for a period of time read it free if you’re an Amazon Prime member. I’m never going to pay you to read a book of mine, so this is as good as it gets. We offer this gift because that’s just the kind of generous people we are.

Okay, that was a lie. We have an ulterior motive. We think you’ll enjoy The Other Emily so much that you’ll preorder The House at the End of the World, my forthcoming book, which is very scary and will be released on January 23. If we’re wrong about that, if you enjoy The Other Emily but don’t preorder the next book, at least then we will have learned what kind of person you are.

This is the month of Thanksgiving when each of us, in his or her unique way, expresses gratitude for not being a Butterball turkey. Go forth in happiness, and eat rather than be eaten.