Essays

It’s the month of Thanksgiving, and I am thankful that you are out there. Yes, I know that some of you consider yourself not to be “out there,” but instead to be “back there” or “over there” or “up there” or “thereabout” or “lurking around,” and I do respect your feeling about where you are. I am not presuming to tell you where you are because I am not back, over, up, thereabout, or lurking with you, and therefore I do not have sufficient information about your position.

I myself am “here,” and because I can be only one place at a time, I am always “here,” though that does not mean that “here” is always the same place. Yes, I know that many of you consider me not to be “here” but instead to be “there.” If that is your opinion, you have every right to it, and I respect you for it.

Even though I’m always “here,” I am not a hermit. I do get around. Yes, I know that some of you will feel that I am not getting “around” unless I am going in circles, which I mostly am not. However, I kindly ask you to consider that if I said “going about my business,” you might reach the unfortunate conclusion that I am attending to a biological function that requires a bathroom, and we would all be greatly embarrassed by your misunderstanding.

On Thanksgiving Day, Gerda and I and Elsa will be dining out. Yes, I am aware that some of you will feel strongly that “out” is correct only if we intend to dine on the beach or in an open field or in a swamp with alligators. Please allow me to soothe away your consternation by explaining that “out” in this case is accurate, because we will be on a restaurant patio that, although roofed and heated, lacks walls.

Others of you will surely make the case that, while Gerda and I will indeed be “dining out,” I was in error when I said “Gerda and I and Elsa will be dining out,” for Elsa is our beautiful golden retriever. You are quite right to assume that Elsa will not be sitting in a chair at the table, manipulating flatware and consuming a dinner alike unto ours. It is more accurate to say that while we are “dining,” Elsa will be lying on the floor, per restaurant rules, and “snacking” on half a dozen of her favorite cookie treats.

To conclude, I wish you a joyful Thanksgiving, during which you neither suffer food poisoning nor are attacked by wolves. Back in the days of the pilgrims, many a Thanksgiving was troubled by events of that nature. Yes, I know that some of you will feel that “back” is an unnecessary word, that “in the days of” is sufficient. I respect your opinion, and in fact I agree. In future Thanksgiving newsletters, I will be more precise.